The unimaginable loss of a pregnancy or infant can leave a lasting impact on the lives of those involved. And while this grief can seem impossible to overcome, it is possible to manage. “I encourage parents to reach out for support and try to avoid isolating themselves and going through it alone,” says Amelia Doggett-McCulloch, Program Manager at Centerstone, “Let your feelings out and process them with someone else.” As hard as it may be, allow yourself to sit in that grief and just feel. Melissa Gilbreath, Project Manager at Centerstone adds, “Part of this process may include holding the baby and getting a few photos before you leave the hospital.” Though it may be limited, spend the time you do have with them before they are laid to rest.
When it comes to infant or pregnancy loss, the physical effects can sometimes be underestimated. If you experienced pregnancy loss, your body may still think you’re pregnant, so you may still lactate or experience common postpartum symptoms such as hormonal imbalances or lack of sleep. These physical effects can take a heavy toll on the brain as they are a physical reminder of the loss. Emotional effects of this loss can impact both parents and can include confusion, anger, sadness, grief, withdrawal, and guilt. Additionally, this significant loss can be traumatic and may result in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), intrusive thoughts, and even symptoms of postpartum depression.
Doggett-McCulloch and Gilbreath recommend seeking help and additional support right away. However, this doesn’t solely mean going to therapy or counseling. Seek support in whatever way makes sense for you whether that means finding online resources, joining a grief group, or asking loved ones to be present with you. This can be as simple as allowing them to help you meet your basic needs such as eating, taking a shower, or doing the laundry. It is important to also seek professional help right away if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts.
If you have young children in the home, it can be challenging or even uncomfortable to explain loss and grief to them. “Be clear and use age-appropriate language,” adds Doggett-McCulloch. Try to avoid saying things like ‘the baby went to sleep’ as this may cause the other children to develop a fear of falling asleep. Instead use words like ‘died’ and ‘dead’ and say things like ‘the baby was too small, too sick, or not strong enough.’ Phrasing like this can make it easier for a young child to understand that the baby will not be coming back. In this process, be prepared for a lot of questions, and be patient as it may take them a while to understand the permanence of loss. It can also be helpful to include them in any ceremonies to honor the baby. Even if you don’t think they’ll understand, if they are excluded they may feel that disconnection.
It is possible that the loss of a pregnancy or infant will affect certain relationships and family dynamics. This is difficult because everyone grieves differently. Some family members will want to talk about it while others won’t and will seek out distractions to avoid conversation. Communication is the best way to prevent conflict within the family after loss, so, when you’re ready, encourage members of your family to share their feelings if they’d like to talk about it.
When it comes to honoring the loss of your baby, prioritize what makes the most sense for you and your family. Whether you plant a tree, have their hand and footprints set in stone, or save a lock of their hair, choose an option that feels right for you. If you experience a miscarriage, no matter how early, Gilbreath recommends still naming the baby as this can help with the grieving process and honoring them as well.
There is no set timeline or right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is hard and uncomfortable but is possible to overcome. If you have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or infant and are in need of additional mental health support, Centerstone can help. Call us at 877-HOPE123 (1-877-467-3123), visit our counseling services page, or our Early Childhood Services page to learn more. And, if you are in immediate need of crisis services, call, text, or chat the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.
Additional resources are available through the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline and Postpartum Support International. Both of these hotlines are available for text or call 24/7 and can connect you to resources in your area.